Why Do Some People Chase Connection While Others Run From It?
Your attachment styles can help explain why.
August 19, 2026 · Written by Stephanie Giacomelli
Have you ever noticed yourself reacting in a relationship in a way that you don't completely understand? Maybe you reread a text because the tone feels different, or you need reassurance but feel guilty for asking for it. Maybe conflict makes you want to disappear completely or you crave closeness but start to feel uncomfortable when someone gets too close. Perhaps you find yourself constantly putting other people's needs before your own because saying “no” feels almost impossible.
These patterns can sometimes be connected to our attachment style which are the ways we learned to experience connection, safety, trust, and emotional closeness in relationships.
A common misconception about attachment styles is that once you determine what you have, you’re labelled that forever. Truth be told however, understanding attachment styles really just means becoming curious about the patterns that shape how you relate to yourself and the people around you.
What is Attachment Theory?
At its core, attachment theory explores how our early experiences with caregivers can influence the ways we understand relationships and emotional safety.
As children, we learn things through our relationships such as:
Can I rely on others?, Will someone respond when I need them?, Is it safe to express my emotions?, What happens when I am upset?, or Do I have to take care of myself because other people might not be there?
These experiences can contribute to internal expectations about relationships and although attachment patterns often begin early in life, they are not permanent labels or predictions of how you will behave forever. Our relationships, experiences, self-awareness, and therapeutic work can all influence how we connect over time.
The Four Attachment Styles
Attachment theory is often discussed using four broad patterns: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (sometimes called disorganized).
It's important to remember that these are not diagnoses. Most people won't fit perfectly into one category, and your responses can vary depending on the relationship, situation, stress level, and experiences you've had.
Secure Attachment
People with more secure attachment patterns tend to feel relatively comfortable with both closeness and independence.
They may be more able to:
Communicate their needs
Trust others
Set boundaries
Repair after conflict
Ask for support
Give themselves and others space without immediately assuming the relationship is in danger
Secure attachment doesn't mean someone never feels anxious, hurt, jealous, or insecure. It just means those feelings don't necessarily take over the relationship.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment can involve a heightened sensitivity to signs of rejection, distance, or disconnection.
Someone with more anxious attachment patterns might:
Overthink changes in someone's behaviour
Need frequent reassurance
Worry about being abandoned
Feel responsible for keeping relationships stable
Have difficulty tolerating uncertainty
Put other people's needs before their own
Feel especially distressed when someone becomes distant
This is sometimes described as being “needy” but that language can create unnecessary shame. Instead, we can become curious about what the behaviour is trying to accomplish.
“I'm constantly checking that we're okay” may be an attempt to create safety when uncertainty feels threatening.
The goal isn't to shame the need for reassurance, Rather it's to gradually develop more ways of experiencing safety both internally, and within relationships.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment can involve feeling more comfortable with independence than emotional dependence.
Someone with more avoidant patterns might:
Have difficulty expressing vulnerability
Feel uncomfortable relying on others
Minimize their emotional needs
Pull away during conflict
Feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness
Have difficulty identifying what they need
Prefer to handle things alone
Avoidant attachment is sometimes interpreted as “they don't care”but distancing doesn't necessarily mean a lack of care. Sometimes creating emotional distance is a learned way of protecting yourself when closeness has historically felt unsafe, overwhelming, or disappointing.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Fearful-avoidant attachment can involve wanting closeness while simultaneously fearing it. Someone may deeply desire connection but become overwhelmed when it is available.
They may:
Move toward someone and then pull away
Want reassurance but struggle to trust it
Fear rejection while also fearing intimacy
Experience relationships as emotionally unpredictable
Feel confused by their own reactions
This can feel particularly exhausting because there can be an internal push-and-pull between “Please come closer” and “Please don't get too close.”
Attachment shows up outside romantic relationships, too.
When we hear the term “attachment,” we often think about romantic relationships. However, attachment patterns can influence many different relationships.They can show up in friendships, family relationships, parenting relationships, and even some workplace dynamics.
For example, someone who struggles to set boundaries may not only experience this with a romantic partner.
They may also:
Say yes when they really want to say no (hello, people pleasers)
Feel responsible for other people's emotions
Avoid disappointing family members
Take on too much at work
Feel uncomfortable asking for help
Worry about being perceived as difficult
The pattern isn't necessarily about the specific person. Sometimes it's about what connection means to us.
Attachment and Conflict
Conflict can be particularly revealing. For example, when you feel hurt or disconnected, do you:
Move toward the emotion? You immediately want to talk, repair, and know that everything is okay.
Move away? You shut down, become distant, or convince yourself that you don't need anyone.
Do both? You want reassurance but also feel overwhelmed by closeness.
None of these reactions make you a bad partner, friend, parent, or person. They may simply be familiar ways your nervous system has learned to respond to perceived disconnection.
“What's wrong with me?” vs. “What happened to me?”
One of the most meaningful shifts attachment work can offer is moving away from shame.
Instead of: “Why am I so needy?” We might ask: “What makes reassurance feel so important to me?”
Instead of: “Why can't I just communicate?” We might ask: “What did I learn about what happens when I express my needs?”
Instead of: “Why do I push people away?” We might ask: “What does closeness bring up for me?”
These questions don't excuse behaviour that may be hurting ourselves or others. They simply create space for understanding.
Can your attachment style change?
In short, Yes.
Your attachment style isn't a life sentence. People can develop something called earned security which is greater security in relationships that develop through new experiences, self-awareness, supportive relationships, and therapeutic work.
Maybe you begin to notice the urge to send five texts, and then you pause. Maybe you start to recognize that someone being quiet doesn't automatically mean they are mad at you, or that asking for space doesn’t mean the relationship is ending. Maybe you learn to say, “I need some reassurance right now,” rather than pretending you're fine.
Those small moments can become opportunities to create new experiences of safety.
Questions to Help You Notice Your Own Attachment Patterns
Some questions that might help you become curious about your unique patterns are as follows:
When someone I care about becomes distant, what do I immediately assume?
How comfortable am I asking for what I need?
What happens inside me when someone doesn't respond right away?
How do I respond to conflict?
Do I feel responsible for other people's emotions?
What do I believe will happen if I disappoint someone?
How comfortable am I receiving support?
There are no “right” or “wrong” answers, just a chance for you to bring awareness to your feelings.
You are more than your attachment style
Remember, you are not an attachment style. You are not “the anxious one” or “the avoidant one.” You are not “too much” or “too distant.” You are a person who has had experiences that shaped how you learned to connect, protect yourself, and seek safety. You are a person who can learn to understand, explore and change those patterns.
You don't have to shame the parts of you that learned how to survive relationships.
A gentle reminder
Healing doesn't mean you will never feel insecure, need reassurance, want space, or struggle with vulnerability. Healing means you can begin responding to those feelings with greater awareness and compassion.
Stephanie